Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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