Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
