Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
