Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
