I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
