Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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