I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
