Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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