Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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