This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So squirting runs in the family.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
