you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
