you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize