I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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