I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
