i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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