I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
