the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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