fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
