dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
