Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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