The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need to stop coming to work sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Randomize
