YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
