Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
