At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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