there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Operation Purity has been aborted
this will be a night to untag.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
