winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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