im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
