your parents love me but you hate me
I think I won the penis lottery.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
