Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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