my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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