Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
