I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
