Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
