I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize