he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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