I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
