I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
