I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
