I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
