When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
