I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
