i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it glows. i had to have it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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