i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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