Someone shit on the floor
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my being single is dangerous.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
