They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
