My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize