Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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