if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
