I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
