My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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