I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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