But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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