did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
