oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
