I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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