Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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