uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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