So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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