shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
