and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
