I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
