I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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