Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
