i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
