Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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