If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
