Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
