WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
