as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't turn off my feet"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
