i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
